Thursday, July 19, 2007

Why I'm not a Buddhist

Brian's reading some crazy-ass Buddhism book called "Sit Down and Shut Up" by Brad Warner. He pointed out this gem to me.
An early writing by Dogen (from like 1100 A.D. or some such time) lists proscriptions for students studying Buddhism. Here they are, with my comments:

Don't read or chant too much. Reading, I don't do too much. Chanting, not a problem.
Don't overwork. Okay, if you insist.
Don't eat onions. Seriously, I eat onions practically every day. But I suppose I could give them up.
Don't eat meat. I do eat meat, but I've been a vegetarian before and could do it again.
Don't drink too much milk. I never drink milk.
Don't drink alcohol. Oh boy. This is dangerous territory. I could probably do it, but it would suck.
Don't eat too many olives. No prob. I hate olives.
Don't eat fungi. Eh, it won't kill me to give up the occasionally stuffed mushroom.
Don't watch dancing women. My eyes! My eyes!
Don't pay attention to matters of fortune and fame. Probably good advice.
Don't be associated with eunuchs or hermaphrodites. As far as I know, I'm not. But really, we shouldn't discriminate.
Don't have too much candy. WHAT???? WHAT???? Sorry dude, I'm out. Buddhism ain't the way for me.

And so, the path has been chosen for me. Call me a heretic, but candy comes first over the seven-fold path.
(Just so you don't think I'm a complete heathen, I am easily able to follow one of the next rules: Don't stare at the ocean, bad pictures, hunchbacks or puppets.)

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