Monday, May 04, 2009

Fair Warning: There are Clowns in This Post

Sorry to do this to you, dear Yumsters, but it's time again for another installment of "Ah! My Eyes!" As you may recall, the last time I said this was when I saw the creepy m&m's baby collectibles. I mentioned a few things that most people find universally frightening, such as dolls, shows by Sid and Marty Kroftt and, above all else, clowns. Hold onto your hats, because this one may just frighten the lollipops out of you.

One day recently, Mrs. Connection and I were at the library with the Sugar Babies. In the front area, there's a box where you can "give a book/take a book." Mrs. Connection came running over to me with this gem:
"Many Luscious Lollipops: A Book About Adjectives" by Ruth Heller.
"How cool!" I said, because I love candy and well, frankly, who doesn't love adjectives? Standing there, I quickly flipped through it and was instantly freaked out. When I tell you this is one whacked out book, I mean, hoo boy, we're talking someone was smoking a little something the day they created this horrifying (yet educational) work.

It starts off all nice and sing-songy in a Schoolhouse Rock kind of rhythm: "An ADJECTIVE's terrific when you want to be specific ... It describes all things with style and grace ... [now this is where it starts to get freaky]

"... and it also describes a place-- Mysterious, Star-Spangled, Asteroidal outer space ..."

Okay, first of all, star-spangled should only refer to banners, in my opinion, and "asteroidal"?

Moving on ...

This page illustrates some crazy homeless man with a bandaged up knee, elbow and finger, ready to play tennis.
It reads, "[an adjective describes] any special member of our precious human race-- a weary, wounded, bearded and bandaged tennis ace."

The freakshow continues with all sorts of bizarre stuff, like a page with a Pegasus and a terrifying dragon about to pounce on a little puppy. (This page illustrates "Astonishing beast, more Astonishing beast and the most Astonishing beast." Why on earth would the puppy be the most astonishing?)

But my friends, the most terrifying page (see, I used the word "most"), is this:
Yes, the text is mine, but the illustration comes right before the title page, as if this creepy clown is inviting you to take a walk through his world full of weird, kooky, far-out, asteroidal adjectives. But don't let me sway you. If you think you might find this book to be delightful, you can order it from Amazon. Or contact me-- I'll gladly send you my copy.

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