I did it all for you, dear reader.
First, I bought candy at the Christmas Tree Shoppe, thereby breaking my own rule about not buying edible stuff from non-food stores and--
Second, I bought quite possibly the freakiest assortment of candy ever.
Where do I even start? Well, I'd heard of the Yogurt Dots and the Chewy Atomic FireBalls and I have to say, they sounded intriguing. Disgusting, but intriguing. The Dots came wrapped in cellophane and when I tore it off there was a subtle, icky odor. Definitely not a sweet, candy aroma. I opened the box and took a good whiff. Ooooh. So not good. Kind of like a cross between sour dairy and an old spice cabinet. The first one I tried was orange. Actually, it wasn't bad. It was very similar to a Creamsicle. Then I moved on to lime. Egads. What a mistake. This is what I imagine Pledge would taste like. I vowed to stop there, but as I'm writing this, I see the flavors on the side and the others include strawberry, banana and blackberry. I think I have to try the banana. Oh. Imagine chewy banana babyfood with a medicinal kick at the end.
Moving on. The Chewy Atomic Fireballs are smaller than I thought they'd be. For some reason, I envisioned them having almost a white marshmallow kind of center, but thankfully they don't. These are like bigger, round versions of Red Hots. Not bad, actually. These I might actually eat.
So I thought I had scored the ultimate candy mix when there, at the checkout, were these "Limited Edition! Junior Fruit Cremes" in black cherry, orange and raspberry. On the package, the drawings of the cremes look all bright and shiny and oozy in the center. In reality, they're grayish, and the centers are dry, like a thin mint patty. I can't even describe the taste. Gross, like a bad grammar school fruit dessert. I'm not even sure what that means, but it's what comes to mind. I can't imagine how these passed through a taste test. Maybe they didn't. (Note to Junior Mints people: next time you have a new product, give me a shout. We'll talk.) So that was my fun for the day. But it wasn't a total waste because it turns out that the Dots make for a great cat toy. Now they're all over my floor.