You win some, you lose some

Yes, Easter came and went without a peep (no pun intended!) from Candy Yum Yum! I took lots of pictures of some of the new candy that I saw on the shelves, but I just wasn't motivated this season. Even the Easter Bunny didn't really pull through for the Sugar Baby. He brought some jelly beans, some gummies and a chocolate rabbit, but overall it wasn't a big sugar rush here. I guess I've just been in a candy funk lately. That doesn't mean I haven't been eating candy, of course. It's just that there's not much to say about eating half a bag of Hershey Kisses, especially when you only meant to eat four.

In any case, here's something new that I tried recently: a Trader Joe's PB&J Milk Chocolate Bar. My first thought was, why ruin a peanut butter cup with jelly? But then I tried it. It's a different taste experience than a peanut butter cup. Obviously, first of all it's a bar. The peanut butter is very smooth and creamy and the jelly is more like the liquid filling you find in "fancy" candy bars, like the Godiva raspberry bar. It wasn't overly sweet, which I liked. I would definitely do this one again.
However, the same can't be said about the Snickers 3X Chocolate. Snickers with three times the chocolate? What's not to love, right? Well, let me just say that this bar was a dud. It was actually 2 mini bars inside one package. I like that concept, because sometimes you just don't want a whole candy bar. The description says "milk chocolate, chocolate flavored nougat, chocolate caramel and peanuts." All of that adds up to, well, practically no taste difference between the ingredients. I missed the lip-puckering maltiness of the regular Snickers nougat and the chocolate caramel just seemed blah. I really uphold Snickers as probably the most iconic candy bar, so this was a huge disappointment.

Oh the Horror! Tricks, Not Treats, Dominate This Year's Halloween Haul

A new Halloween tradition has started around here. It's called, "I can't wait to get the pictures of Alexandra's trick-or-treat haul." As you might remember, last year Alex's son came home with a big bagful of candy and ... a chocolate Easter bunny. I thought she'd get a kick out of our candy cane and nasty expired candy this year, but oh no, she has us beat again. And in a big way. Example Number One: Candy from her older son's bag. Let's see, there's some nice full-size bars there, Oreos, lots of Butterfingers and M&M's. But then, let's take a closer look. To the far left is a holiday foam kit to make a skeleton. Well that's cool. Up top, there's an "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader" toy that appears to be from a Wendy's kids' meal. Okay, a little weird, but within the boundaries of acceptability. There's a Capri Sun. Um, hello? A bag of juice mixed in with all sorts of candy and other wackiness? Seems like a recipe for disaster. Fortunately it didn't explode. And then we have the coupon for one free week of karate (lame) and, in a bold and daring move that makes Charlie Brown's trick-or-treat rocks look almost tempting, we have a postcard from a mortgage broker. It says something about locking in a "Spooktacular" rate on your mortgage. Maybe next year I'll hand out magazine subscription postcards if this is the way things are headed. But wait! Just when you think you've seen it all, let's move over to the younger boy's Halloween haul. He's the same age as the Sugar Baby, which is a terribly cute stage and, according to my research, is likely to get you more candy. So here we have lots of full-sized bars-- nice score! There's a Skippyjon Jones book. Well, nothing wrong with that, I suppose, and a Where's Waldo toy (another kids' meal, perhaps?) There's something to the right that looks like a baby teether and some various other little toys. But, ladies and gentlemen, the piece de resistance, or perhaps more accurately, the coup de grace, the Scooby Doo. Cute, right? A big plastic Scooby Doo toy-- who wouldn't want one? Well, no one would considering it's an EMPTY BUBBLE BATH BOTTLE! Yes, dear Yumsters, you read that right. A used toiletry item.
So let's consider the questions these two candy hauls bring up.
1) Where in the heck is Alexandra trick-or-treating? (I asked her and strangely enough, it was in her parents' neighborhood which is quite lovely and not at all the type of of place you'd expect to find anything worse than a roll of Necco wafers.)
2) Where are people getting this stuff? Do they save all their kids' meal toys and plastic crap all year just to give out at Halloween?
3) Do they think kids are going to be excited to find an empty bubble bath bottle in their bags?
4) How can *I* lock in a Spooktacular rate on my mortgage?
So dear Yumsters, you know I want to hear from you now. What special goodies did your kids get in their bags this year? Don't be shy. We want to know! And if anyone can beat the Scooby Doo bottle, I'll send you a special surprise.

Halloween 2010: WE WERE TRICKED!

Okay, first of all, Halloween on a Sunday: bad idea. There was just something wrong, something off about the whole evening.
Here's how it went down for us. In the afternoon, I took the Sugar Baby to the local farm where they were supposedly having some sort of Halloween celebration. "Bring a canned good for the local food bank!" it said in the paper. I went into my pantry and oddly, had nary a canned good, so I packed up the ten thousand individual packets of Annie's Cheddar Bunny crackers I had that the Sugar Baby won't eat. It was the best I could. We got to the farm and basically it was a "buy a raffle ticket to win a pumpkin" and "listen to loud, annoying spooky music" festival. Boo.
We started off trick-or-treating in my parents' neighborhood. It was oddly quiet. It seemed as if more people had their lights off than on. And, a new thing this year, quite a few houses actually left out buckets of candy. This was my dream when I was little. I'd heard of people doing it, but never experienced it. Well, this year, the Sugar Baby got plenty of opportunities to paw through bowls of candy.
After doing that circuit, we went to see Fr. John who was rocking Halloween. Then, onto our neighborhood. Again, fewer houses were giving out candy. What gives?
In any case, here's the haul: one full-sized Snickers and Skittles. Lots of mini Milky Ways, Snickers, Twizzlers, Sweettarts, etc. But enough of that. Let's look at the freaks.
Example one: a mini candy cane. You cannot fool me, Candy Cane person. I know this is leftover from last year's Christmas.
Example two: A Clark Teaberry Gum Ball. Where did this even come from? I've never seen these and who on earth would buy them. (I mean, I totally would, but that's just me.)
Example three: Butterfinger Snackerz. I couldn't wait to try these bad boys. They were strange. The first taste was really good. They're just like Butterfingers, except they're small squares and the center is hollow so they're not as dense. But then they got this weird butteriness to them that I wasn't sure I liked. Although to be fair, my teeth are not in great shape these days and I found crunching to be difficult.
And then, dear Yumsters, I give you our two tricks.
For tonight's after-dinner treat, the Sugar Baby chose the Cow Tail. "Good choice," I said. "You'll like that." I opened it for him and found that it was broken. I gave him the first piece, then the second, then I said, "Wait a minute. These aren't supposed to break. These are supposed to be chewy." I looked at the wrapper. It had expired in 2009! So gross.
I suggested the Sugar Baby take something similar, like perhaps that Chick-o-Stick. I unwrapped it, he took a bite and then this cloud came over his face. I knew that cloud. I had experienced it myself this summer when I bit into a cracker from 2000. I grabbed the Chick-o-Stick wrapper and wouldn't you know it? Expired in 2008. Someone's trying to poison us! Naturally I then put it in my mouth to see if it truly was bad. O.M.G. The Sugar Baby took it all with aplomb (and cleansed his taste buds with Dots), but I can still taste the bitter sawdust in my mouth. A pox upon those who distribute expired candy! Raisins and pennies are one thing, but bad candy is a whole 'nother ball game.

Chocolate Fail.

(From left, Basil-Smoked Sea Salt Olive Oil; Ginger Baby; missing from photo: tequila and wine chocolates.)

My P.I.C. came over last week with a surprise for me: a box of truffles from Christopher Norman Chocolates. Her hubby works near there and gets his coffee there everyday, so when she recently when into the city for a visit, she brought me back some goodies. Yay!
There were four chocolates in the box: some sort of red wine/dark chocolate; ginger; tequila; and Basil-Smoked Sea Salt-Olive Oil. Ready? Okay, here we go. First off, she bought the tequila just to torment me. It's the one alcohol I cannot have. I can't smell it, definitely can't drink it, all due to one bad night in college. She insisted, however, that I would be able to handle this. Sadly, I must report that I couldn't. I had Mr. Goodbar take a nibble and then I smelled it. I couldn't do it. He said it was very good, so if you're a tequila aficionado, go for it! If, however, tequila causes you to hallucinate and give you the shakes, I'd say you might want to try something else. Like the wine chocolate. Now that was tasty. Very smooth dark ganache with a nice red wine kick. That was definitely more my speed.
The ginger was very tasty and very pretty.
And now, the last piece. Visually, it was lovely. And I dig basil and olive oil. But with chocolate? I had my doubts, but also tried to keep an open mind.
I bit off half and gave the other half to Mr. Goodbar. Usually I will love something and he'll hate it, and vice versa. This was one of the very few times we actually agreed on something. It was a serious fail.
I hate to say bad stuff about any chocolate, and especially artisan chocolate, because it's the result of someone's passion. But holy cannoli-- basil, olive oil and chocolate do not marry well. To be completely honest, I actually spit it out. Yes, I spit out a piece of chocolate. Why, why, why do confectioners feel the need to push the envelope all the time? This is a serious question. Bacon, chili powder, lavender ... do we really need to add these things to chocolate? Do they really enhance the already perfect taste of chocolate? Why must everything be over the top? I'm ready for the backlash against all this fancy-pants alchemy. Bring back the simple stuff. Pure chocolate. Basic flavorings like vanilla and caramel. Plain nuts, not curry-dusted or Dead Sea-salted. Am I being too naive? Am I showing myself to be a chocolate hillbilly? Perhaps, but I don't care. Save the basil for pesto with pasta. I want my chocolate straight up.

Smackdown! Turkish Raisin Sausage vs. Chinese Traditional Food Fruit Candy

On the way home from Tennessee, we realized that our dear friends The Professor and Maryanne The Painter lived just an hour out of our way, so we stopped in to spend the night.
The Professor has always understood me on a very primal level. He gets my passion for all things candy-related, so I was ecstatic when he said he brought me back a little something from his recent trip to Turkey.
I won't keep you in suspense. Here it is, folks. One genuine Raisin Sausage with Walnut.*Now, first off, it looks like a giant turd. There's just no way around it. But I kept an open mind. The ingredients were simple enough: sugar, walnut, wheat starch, grape molasses and citric acid. What's so wrong with that, right?
I'll tell you what's wrong. This stuff was like biting into plastic tubing stuffed with walnuts. The resistance on your teeth made it feel like you were eating something from Home Depot, not the grocery store. It's like you could find it in the aisle between the PVC piping and the bathtub caulk. Truly foul. Had this been from anyone else, I would've thought they were either trying to mock me or challenge my devotion to candy. But I know in The Professor's mind, this was more than just candy; it was an experience. That's why he "gets" me. Fortunately, he made up for his transgressions by allowing me to taste some of the chocolate-covered Seafoam he'd gotten from McDonald's Homemade Candies in Michigan. Now this was some tasty stuff. Little chunks of airy, brown-sugary seafoam with a thick coating of dark chocolate. Mmmmm!It all went to hell, however, once the "Chinese Traditional Food" Fruit Candy was pulled out. I can't even remember what was in it, but it was more disgusting than I thought it would be. Match it up against the Raisin Sausage with Walnut and I don't know who'd win.
He had some other crazy-ass candy from Turkey and it was all right, but the true winner of the visit came from The Professor's daughter, Chocolate E-Clare. She generously gave me one of the Kinder Bueno bars she had hoarded from their trip to England. Isn't that the sweetest thing ever?! She said it was her favorite candy bar, and it's easy to see why. Creamy chocolate, crispy wafers, hazelnut filling ... now that's a candy I can love.
Being a good guest, I brought The Professor my own contribution to this extravaganza of sweetness: half a box of Mint Moon Pie Chocolate Cookie Sandwiches. When I bought them, I thought they were mint-flavored Moon Pies-- the soft cake with marshmallow filling. Only after I opened them did I realize that they were cookies. These were pretty yummy, very similar to Girl Scout Thin Mints, only with a cream filling.We had a lovely visit. We see them far too less than we'd like, but distance and busy lives get in the way. The Raisin Sausage *almost* makes up for the distance. Almost.
*In the upper corner of the sausage package, it says "Aphrodisiac." Believe me, nothing says love like a Raisin Sausage.

Down South Candy Review: Taffy, Lollipops and Caribbean Jerk Chocolate

I'm not a big fan of taffy. It's one of those candies that I can easily resist, along with caramel Bulls-eyes and red licorice. But when we stopped at Smoky Mountain Candy Makers, I felt like it was my duty to at least sample some of their homemade taffy. I bought four pieces: Banana, Chocolate Peanut Butter, Butterscotch and Teaberry.
We cut them up into little pieces for everyone to try, but as is usually the case with the von Schokolats, we'd had a few beverages beforehand and my notes are minimal and cryptic. Someone thought the chocolate peanut butter tasted like a Tootsie Roll. The teaberry was compared to Icebreakers and Pepto Bismol. To me, it was less wintergreeny than Pepto and I found it to be very tasty. I thought the banana had a nice, mellow taste and the butterscotch tasted like caramel. The thing is, I really liked this taffy. It wasn't the usual waxy, overly sweet Salt Water Taffy that we have here in New England. This stuff had much more flavor and a decent chew.
I had also bought a cherry lollipop for the Sugar Baby, but in our drunken state of munchiness state of curiosity, we decided that Shirley needed to take a hammer to that bad boy so we could all taste it. It was very yummy. I have to give props to these Smoky Mountain Candy people. They really did make a homemade candy that tasted good.On the way back from dulcimer-buying and lunch at Grandma's Kitchen (where I had country-fried steak, mashed potatoes and collard greens-- oh yes, I did!), we stopped at the Beef Jerky Outlet because really, you can't not stop there. I bought some kangaroo jerky for The Baron (I seem to remember him inhaling it, but I don't know if he liked it) and some Caribbean Jerk Dark Chocolate made by the Dillsboro Chocolate Factory. Now, of course, I'm not big on the whole "let's be clever and put savory spices in our chocolate" thing, so I went into the tasting with a bad attitude. I also forgot to take a picture before the vultures got to it. The chocolate itself was actually pretty good; smooth and bitter. But the spice thing-- ick. Shirley said, "It tastes like Baker's Chocolate, only not as good," and someone else said that it tasted like Hot Cheetos/chili powder/fish. Or was that our shopping list? I don't remember. In any case, The Baron and Mr. Goodbar devoured the thing in two seconds flat. They liked it. There's a candy out there for everyone. I think there was something crazy in that chocolate, though, because before you knew it, hijinx ensued. It's always a party when there's candy involved.

Guest Review: Vomit, Chalk and Chewy String

I sent the Wee von Schokolats a package of various candies from the assortment that I received from the NCA Sweets & Snacks Expo. This is stuff that I normally wouldn't eat, so I thought I'd let the experts do the talking on this one. Without further ado, a very honest review from Liesl von Schokolat:

The candy that we got was very interesting to say the least. The X-treme Sour candy tasted like vomit if you ignored the taste and chewed a bit longer it then tastes like cherry. The inside of the X-treme Sour is jelly and it is SOUR!!!
The Chocolate Necco Wafers were terrible-- they tasted like chalk. The only people who would like them is the people who are addicted to chalk. There is a very slight aftertaste of chocolate, but only I, Liesl, the chocohalic tasted it. LOL.
The Rips Whips were really good and fun to play with. Gretl made a bracelet with the candy and then ate it. She said that the candies did not taste good all together. The Baroness tried it and decided that they weren't worth the calories and spit it out. She said it tasted like chewy string with a cherry flavor. The Sour spray was very, very, very sour!!! It tasted like green apple and it made the Baron's tongue really dry. Warning: DO NOT SPRAY IN EYES.The Fini tennis balls were gums that were very sour at first, but didn't have a taste. It had a really stale texture with a weak sweet lemon flavor. It was like chewing on a slightly softer Gobstopper and it hurt our jaws to chew. The gum was very cute though.
Last but not least, the candy that I have recently eaten was a Triple Chocolate Twix bar. It was so good. It was like fudge on top of a yummy cookie. I loved it. The other Von Schoklats did not like it though, "too chocolatey" they said. Oh well they don't know what they are missing. :)

Bubble Chocolate: Yay or Nay?

I hate to give any candy a bad review-- I really do-- particularly if a) it was given to me as a sample and b) it's from a small company. But I've got a job to do and that job is to be honest with my opinions. (Which, of course, are just my opinions. Take 'em or leave 'em.)
I was excited at the prospect of Bubble Chocolate. After all, I like Aero bars and I was a fan of the now extinct Nestle Choco'Lite. I expected these bars (in both milk and dark) to taste pretty much like the other "bubble" chocolates out there.
Unfortunately, they didn't. The bars came with instructions on how to best savor them: "Pop it into your mouth, let it melt for 5 to 10 seconds. As you begin to feel the bubbles soften, begin to chew gently. The mouth-feel will develop from slightly dry to moist and creamy." Well, yes, that's true. The problem is, the flavor. It doesn't taste like chocolate. If anything, it tastes like some sort of cheap coconut product, which is odd because the ingredients are all-natural and there's nary a coconut product to be found. I thought it might just be me, so I gave Mr. Goodbar a piece to try (without telling him my opinion). "Oooh, not good," he said.
My advice? Change the chocolate and hire some taste testers, because there is a market for Bubble Chocolate. Just not this kind.

Let's Talk About Mint, Baby

I love mint and chocolate. Doesn't matter about the mint or the chocolate. It's the perfect combination. Well, maybe it's a tie with peanut butter but wait-- I just had a revelation. Mint goes best with dark chocolate and peanut butter goes best with milk. So they can both be my favorites, right?
I thought I'd share this experience with mint from last weekend.
When we got to Vermont and stopped for gas at the local grocery store, Mr. Goodbar wanted a bottle of water. Having only .26 cents on me, I had to use my credit card, which meant candy aisle, here I come!
So this is what I got. A Divine Mint Dark Chocolate bar and a Haviland Chocolate Covered Wintergreen Patty, which had a tag in front of it that said "Item Being Discontinued."
First, the Divine. Obviously, if I found this in a backwoods grocery store in Vermont, you know it's Fair Trade, non-GMO and over $3.00. The aroma is driving me crazy; I can't place what it compares to except to say that its fresh mint.* The chocolate is just the perfect percentage. The package doesn't say what it is, but it's right on that fine line between bittersweet and just plain bitter. The mint part is actually a mint crunch-- little bits of hard, crunchy candy cane-like nibblets. This is good chocolate, perfect for a special treat with a glass of Malbec. (Oh wait, here's one right here!)
And then there's the wintergreen patty. I bought one of these during one of the summer trips to Vermont, but I put it in my pocket and it melted into an irretrievable mess. This time I made sure that I tried it before it had a chance to melt (although there was hardly a chance of that considering we had 2 feet of snow). Let me say for the record, I had high hopes for this, considering 1) I really liked the Haviland Orange Thin Mints and 2) I really like wintergreen. But my goodness. Gracious.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a contender for next year's Worst of 2010.
I'm actually going to try this again right now, so I can give you a live report. The patty looks just like a York, maybe a little thinner. The scent is medicinal. The inside cream is smoother than a York and it is BRIGHT PINK (my camera couldn't do it justice). Here goes the nibble: OMG. Seriously, this brings me back to high school when I'd chomp on Pepto-Bismol tablets for my stomach aches. Vile. I need to know: who eats these things? Have you ever had one? Is there anyone, ANYONE out there who likes these? Probably not, considering they're being discontinued. But if you're out there, send me a note. We need to talk.

*It just came to me. The aroma is that of peppermint tea.

Mexican Candy: A Poop Theme

As I mentioned previously, The Connection brought me a bag of crazy candy from Mexico, which was incredibly thoughtful. The only thing was, I just couldn't bring myself to try it because I was afraid of swine flu tasting them. So I did the next best thing: I passed it all onto the Baron.

Pelon Pelon Rico:
Gretl says:
"Looks like something that comes out of the Sugar Baby's diaper. It's really bad, EW!"

The Baron says: "Really hard to dispense. It may be date or fig. Doesn't have a very good texture. Salty and gritty."

Limon 7: (not pictured)
Gretl says: "Smells like tires and I'm afraid to eat it, so I'll give it to Daddy to try it."

The Baron: "It tastes like Margarita salt mix for the rim of the glass. I'm not sure it's supposed to be candy?!"

Rellerindos
The Baron: "Looks like dog poop. You put this in your mouth? I'm not sure I want to play this game anymore!" (With this review, no one else in the family would try it.)

Veto Elotes
The Baron: "Gag, cough. Very salty. Sorry, can't get past the salt." He spit it out and washed his mouth out with water. "This is the lollipop that you give your kids when they are bad!" After the gag and the cough, no one else would try it.
Duvalin:
The Baron: "It's like cake icing, but with a thicker texture." He liked this one and didn't want to share.

Mini cow tales (not pictured, because these weren't supposed to be a sample. I had included a box of Mini Cow Tales for Memaw, who likes Bullseyes, which are similar.)
The Baron: "They don't have enough white stuff in them."

There you have it. Sorry Mexico. You may have good food, but your candy is really scary and gross leaves something to be desired.

Fair Warning: This Ain't Pretty

It's been a way busy summer here at the old Yum Yum headquarters, so I've had to dole out some of my stash to the wee Von Schokolats to review. First up, Tung Toos, Candy Tongue Art. I think this might be one of those candies that, in 30 years, people will be saying, "Hey, remember those tattoos you'd put on your tongue?" And someone will respond, "Oh yeah! I remember those. What were they called?" Kinda like Garbage Pail Kids or Freshen Up gum.
In any case, these tattoos are cherry, watermelon, lemonade, raspberry, strawberry and apple-flavored and come in different designs such as sports balls, princessy things like castles and wands, and the ever-popular vehicles of war (tanks and planes and helicopters and such).
First of all, let me just say that when I read the ingredients, I wasn't thrilled. They are:
Natural and artificial flavors, citric acid, edible ink (otherwise known as artificial colors) and aspartame. Now I know, a lot of candies are made with these ingredients. It's just that, I don't know, all that artificial stuff without at least something nutritionally beneficial seems a bit wrong. But I suppose wax lips and Nik-L-Nips never did any damage to us as kids, so there you go.
On to the reviews.

Gretl: "It's sour and it tastes bad"

Liesl: "It's sour first, then sweet. Good flavor."

The Baron: "Though the picture looks like a turd, it's supposed to be a football. It is burning my tongue, YUCK!"

No-Nuts just put a blue raspberry boat on her tongue and said, "It tastes good. For a second. Now it tastes totally fake."

These would probably be a fun party favor at the kids' next sleepover or your college-student's next kegger.

Mexican Madness

Lookee here at this crazy assortment of candy The Connection brought me back from Mexico. That thing up top, right, which looks like a turd on a stick is a tamarind lollipop that's supposed to be corn-shaped. I'm not exactly sure what the Duvalin is, but it's the most appetizing-looking of all of them. The bag contains hard filled tamarind with chile candies and that other thing is ... well, I don't really know. So how do they taste?
I've got to admit, I don't know. I've been trying to work up the courage to taste these delicacies, but every time I look at them, all I can think is, "swine flu." I know that's so politically incorrect, but I can't help it. I know I should try them and give you the full report, but I'm just feeling a little wimpy. Anybody out there willing to give 'em a try?

Wazoo: An Unfortunate Bar with an Even More Unfortunate Name

Here's the thing: No-Nuts was supposed to write this review for me, since technically candy bars are off-limits to me at this time. But spring break has come and gone, and so has she, so I'm forced to write this entry by nose alone.
Well, all right, fine, I did try a bite. Whatever. Let's get down to it. Here, dear Yumsters, is the Wild Berriez Wazoo, "chewy fruity candy sprinkled with crunchies." Its uniqueness was a driving factor in my purchasing it. I had no idea what to expect, although I can say with certainty that I didn't expect a light lavender bar with a bright yellow and pink center. The "crunchies" on top are very similar to Nerds-- very fruity and sour--and the package says they're made in Thailand. (Apparently it's not all just Pad Thai and Massaman curry.) The bar itself smells and tastes like raspberry yogurt. It's chewy like a Charleston Chew. How did No-Nuts feel about it? Well, she only ate one bite, so that says something. How do I feel about it? I'd never want to eat this. I have to give credit to Topps though. They've branched out from their traditional line-up of baseball cards/Bazooka/Baby Bottle Pops to create something totally new and creative. I don't dig it, but I think this will be a big hit with 9-12 year olds.

Saving the Best For Last

After the corn dogs and Cletus's Salt Pockets, we determined it was finally time to procure us some moonshine. So I jumped in the car with the Baron and the Baroness and we headed out to the big city. In addition to the Piggly Wiggly, the town also sported a dollar store, which I begged the Baroness to stop at.

Here's the deal: up north, dollar stores can be mighty frightening. Sometimes in a good way (like the time I found stickers with photos of people doing their jobs, like a phone repair dude and a lab technician), but most of the time they're frightening in a bad way (horrendous plaster doves -n- wedding bells). Needless to say, I never ever NEVER buy candy from the dollar store, no matter how cool it is. That just creeps me out to no end. Anyhow, it occurred to me that a dollar store in the south might have some truly, ahem, unique items, maybe with a hunting or four-wheelin' flair.

Oh ho! How wrong I was. We walked in and-- taa daa!-- it was dollar store paradise. Not a single bejeweled tchotcke to be found. Instead, it was row after row of pretty decent stuff-- toys for the Sugar Baby's return flight, pony tail holders for moi and Gretl, mini popsicle molds perfect for a 2-year-old, stickers upon stickers ... and then I heard the Baroness say, "Hey! Get over here!"

And there was the candy aisle, a shiny mecca of totally new and weird candy, the likes of which I've never seen. First, the Limited Edition 100 Grand with Peanuts. Of course I had to get this and I made the Baron get his own when he started oogling mine.

Next, a bag of miniature Razzles. I can't tell you how much I love this. I've never seen treat-sized Razzles before. A six-pack of fruit Chiclets-- how very awesome. A "Wildlife Clik" candy dispenser with Smarties Bubble Gum. (Note that the package says, "Save our wildlife, every effort counts. 3% of our total proceeds will go to the Wildlife Conservation Society." Hmm. Three percent is a bit stingy, especially when it only cost $1).

Then this gem: edible paper with edible candy gel. Gretl shoved that whole thing in her mouth, but I forgot to ask her what it tasted like. And lastly, a Mounds lip balm.

Believe me when I tell you, I could've spent a lot more time (and money) there, but the Baroness was all like, "The bus is leaving!" and I certainly would've never found my way of that town and I'd be forced to get a job at the crazy little shack/liquor store on the side of the dirt road.

Breaking News! Caveat Emptor!

The news world is abuzz this morning with reports that the Valentine's candy you just purchased may actually be from last year! Hmmm. This would certainly explain why the after-holiday candy sales have meager at best lately. When I worked at the chocolate store, we'd have to take everything off the shelves the day after whatever holiday it was and send it back to the factory. People would come in all p.o.'ed because they were expecting some good bargains, but there were none to be had.
"What did you do with the 75 pound bunny?" people would ask.
"It gets melted down at the factory," was the reply we were told to give. Somehow, though, I always suspected that the same bunny came out of hibernation every year.

NASCAR Nibbles

I'm not much for NASCAR. Too loud and hot for me, but that's just my opinion and obviously lots and lots of other people disagree. So all you race car fans, get excited: not only can you indulge in chocolate, but now you can also show your devotion to the Earnhardts. Yesterday Hershey announced that it will be releasing a Limited Edition candy bar in memory of Dale Earnhardt Sr. In a freaky twist, today Palmer announced they will be releasing the "Big Mo" bar, chocolate-covered peanut butter and caramel, in honor of the junior Earnhardt.
Given the usual quality of Palmer chocolates (and I use the word "chocolate" very loosely), it would seem that the younger Dale got the short end of the stick.

Disappointment at Trader Joe's

The last couple of times I've been to Trader Joe's, I've noticed they've really scaled back on the samples. Can't say I blame them; people get all wacky when they see free stuff. TJ's was probably losing money hand over fist by giving out mini cups of coffee and cookies. Some samples, however, would've stopped me from making my last two purchases that bombed. The first was a box of pretzel nuggets covered in chocolate and topped with white nonpareils. They looked so good, but unfortunately, the pretzels had a kind of stale taste to them. They didn't have that fresh "snap." But my niece Sarah enjoyed them when we went to see Pirates of the Caribbean. Of course, that movie was so darn long she probably would've eaten chocolate covered cat food just to fend off the hunger.
Today I bought the second bomb: dark chocolate covered pistachios. I love dark chocolate. I love pistachios. But together, oh no, they do not work well. Pistachios just don't have a substantial enough texture to hold up to the chocolate, and their smoky undertones don't jive with the bitterness of the chocolate. (In fact, I can almost see comparing them to the Vosges Mo's Bacon Bar-- smoke and chocolate don't mix, in my book). I know TJ's has a policy where you can return anything you don't like, but I'm not that type of person. I'll just pass along the rejects to the next unsuspecting guests.

Stop the Insanity!

It's time for me to take a stand. This isn't going to be pleasant, but I feel like I have no choice in the matter. I must assert myself and say: Enough with the fancy chocolate!
As I mentioned in a previous post, my sister Betsy received a Vosges Haut Chocolat Mo's Bacon Bar. Apparently she was working on a project involving healthy habits and a co-worker thought this would be a funny gift, along with a couple of other bars. This weekend I had the opportunity to sample them all. (That's my brother-n-law Jeff there, showing off the goods.)
According to the Vosges website, the idea for bacon and chocolate was inspired by chocolate chip pancakes and bacon. Well, who could argue with that? That's yummy. But bacon in a candy bar is not. It's not yummy and it's not funny. It's a waste of good chocolate. It tasted like salty salad bar bacon bits covered with chocolate. I tried to be open minded, I assure you, but the concensus was: gross! So then we moved onto the next one, "Calindia," which is Indian green cardamom, organic California walnuts and dried plums in dark chocolate. I actually thought I'd like this one. I mean, what's not to like? It's dried fruit and nuts. But whoa, man, that cardamom was just overwhelming. Waaaay too strong.
Lastly we tried the "Naga," sweet Indian curry powder, coconut flakes and milk chocolate. Again, I thought I'd enjoy this one, but holy moly, it was nasty.
"It smells like Indian take out," I said.
"It tastes like the spice cabinet," Betsy said.
Ick.
The worst part about the experience was that I felt like I was eating joke candy bars from Spencer Gifts, even though I know these are supposed to be sophisticated. I mean, this is quality chocolate to be sure. And I'm all for extreme sensory challenges, but this just doesn't work. My question is: does anyone truly eat these? Do fancy city-folk (as opposed to me, a hick suburbanite) really say, "Lovey, I'm craving a curry candy bar. Could you fetch me one on the way home?" Seriously. If any of you actually dig this stuff, let me know because I'm honestly curious.
Which leads me to say, there are certain flavors that are acceptable with chocolate, and others that I am banning from my candy canon. So here is the official (but not yet comprehensive) list of

Acceptable and Not Acceptable Candy Yum Yum combinations:

Chocolate and ...

Peanut butter: yay
Mustard: nay

Raspberry: yay
Beets: nay

Cinnamon, nutmeg, vanilla: yay
Black pepper, basil, oregano, thyme, lavender and/or dill: nay

Marshmallow: yay
Mayonnaise: nay

Nuts: yay
Beans: nay (except, of course, cocoa beans and coffee beans)

Cheese: yay
Chalk: nay

Potato chips: yay
Wood chips: nay

I cleaned out my candy cupboard!

Well there, I did it. I cleaned out my cupboard. I ditched the candy canes, the half-eaten candy bars and the empty wrappers, although I'm holding onto the candy corn for future still lifes. So let me take this moment to tie up some loose ends.

First, the Seattle Chocolate Extreme Dark Chocolate Truffle Bar with Chocolate Nibs that sat on my desk for a few weeks was really, really good. The nibs were crunchy without being too dry like espresso beans. The chocolate was smooth and yummy. Definitely a winner.

I tried the Big Green Triangle from the UK Gourmet and it was pretty disappointing. I only had a bite. It tasted kind of stale and crumbly, and the hazelnut taste was a little too pronounced. But I'd still eat it over the horrid Seeds of Change Bayano bar (see previous post.) Brian has been slowly eating that foul thing. I was changing Henri's diaper the other day when Brian came up behind me eating a piece of it and I caught a whiff of it. Believe it or not, the chocolate overpowered the diaper. I can smell it a room away and it still makes me gag.

I had a Reese's Fast Break a few weeks ago and it was strangely addicting. I didn't think I liked it at first. The combination of the peanut butter and chewy nougat was weird, but I got used to it. I don't think I'd choose one over a regular Reese's, but it was worth a try.

So now my candy cupboard is bare. What should I fill it with?

A bleak candy report

It pains me to write this entry, but alas, life is painful and we must face adversity head-on.
I've had my share of bad chocolate. I've eaten cheap, fake chocolate that tasted more like wax. I've had expensive truffles that weren't worth half the price. But never, in my 36 years, have I ever had a piece of chocolate that I truly couldn't stomach. Until now.
My usual grocery store has gone on strike, so rather than deal with long lines and clueless cashiers, I went to the other store in town. It was kind of cool because there were all sorts of new products there (hence my $150 grocery bill!). In the natural foods section, I was pleased to see several new candy bars and I took my time selecting just the right one. Even though it was the most expensive-- $3.50 on sale-- I picked the Seeds of Change organic Bayano dark chocolate with cacao nibs and cinnamon oil. It seemed as if this bar had everything going for it: I love dark chocolate, I dig cacao nibs and cinnamon is my favorite spice. The wrapper is funky; it has a ship on it and when you unwrap it the inside has a story on chocolate and sustainability. And the ingredients are simple: chocolate, sugar, cacao nibs, cocoa butter, milk fat, soy lecithin, vanilla and cinnamon oil. I broke off a square and popped it in my mouth. That's when things went terribly wrong. It was just a baaaad combination. Between the nibs and the cinnamon oil, the bar was just way too herbaceous/woodsy. Maybe it would've been better with plain cinnamon rather than the oil. In any case, I managed to swallow the bite I took, but I found myself frantically looking through the cabinet for something to take away the evil taste in my mouth. I shoved a bunch of yogurt pretzels into my maw and hid the rest of the bar on the back of the candy shelf. I hate reporting about bad candy, but I feel like it's my duty. This was a truly sorrowful experience in the Candy Yum Yum world. But never fear: I have something on the horizon that is so fantabulous I just can't stand it. It's brought me tons of joy, and I'm sure it will do the same for you. Stay tuned!